Oh god, I might have to be THAT kid...

So I'm broke. Broke broke. After paying close to $300 on books, I have less than $100 in my bank account. That's no good right? So I might have to be that person who calls up her parents to help her out financially. But, to be fair, my parents did offer to go half with me on my books. I declined at the time, telling them that I was going to try to get my books for cheaper online, but that hasn't happened. So maybe I'll have to call them and see if they're still willing to go half with me--it would be nice to have about $130 more in my account.
Also, I just went to apply for a job on campus today. I have to go to Steele Hall tomorrow to fill out the I-9 form before I can officially apply though. But if I get the job, I'd be earning $8.95/hr. At 8 hours per week, I'll be in much better shape than I am now. It'll be nice to see my account growing once again. Slowly, sure, but still growing, and at this point, that's all that matters right now. My goal is to have at the VERY LEAST $600 in my savings account and at least $150 in my checking account.
Man, I know this is a terribly boring entry, but sorry this is really boring. I AM the epitome of the poor college student.
It kind of sucks, but I also have to cash a $90 check.
I'm so used to having money. Ever since I've started to work, I haven't really had to ask my parents for money--with the exception of the month before states when my mom told me not to work. But that was her own damn fault haha.
This past summer especially, I was used to having the money. I was not only getting paid regularly, I was serving, so I was making really GOOD money and I had it in my pocket as soon as I left work. Sure, I was saving for college but at the same time I was able to go do things that I wanted to do, like go to the beach, go to Six Flags, and pay for exorbitantly high gas prices.

Oh, can I tell you right now that I'm already not looking forward to my math class, and I haven't even had a single class yet. UGH. I might as well make Blackboard my homepage because I know there will be a lot of announcements of new assignments-- already I've gotten several e-mails.

Harry Potter and some of my Syracuse Education

Dumbledore is a bad representative of the gay community. It’s a bad image.

Wait, what?
As a Time article recently explained, Dumbledore is not a good representative of the gay community because he is not very gay in the book series or the movies. He is characterized by a relationship-less life with an eerie relationship with a teenage boy. Not a healthy or positive that the role model that the queer community wants.
Because the overtly flamboyant, does-nothing-with-his-life, sex-driven image of Jack from Will and Grace—that’s POSITIVE.
I don’t think it’s fair to think that there’s going to be some ideal image of a queer person that every individual is going to be okay with, but I think that Dumbledore is a fine role model and image. Okay, so he’s not apparently gay in either the books or the movies. Who cares? Neither Professor McGonnagall nor Professor Snape is overtly heterosexual. In this hetero-normative world, people don’t care about people’s love lives…until they’re gay. Just as Sedgewick argues in her piece, Epistemology of the Closet, sexuality is private, until an individual is found to be queer. The fact that Dumbledore does not seem to have any love interest throughout the series or his special relationship with Harry did not raise too many eyebrows when he was believed to be straight. He is simply a powerful wizard who had dedicated his life to empowering young witches and wizards, especially one who proves to be highly important and special. But as soon as you factor in his sexuality, he suddenly becomes a pervert with a sick relationship with a pupil, or a weak gay role model because he doesn’t have any romantic relationships.
I am actually inclined that Dumbledore is a fine image for the queer community. He is a strong and distinguished individual who has only achieved amazing things.
Even more so I think it is a good image because there is lack of focus on his sexuality. I fear that people want to see a strong queer individual whose sexuality is pronounce and very public. But doesn’t that only highlight the idea that he is different? NOT normal? Maybe I have the wrong idea about this but I think it stresses the normalcy of queer sexuality. It forces people out of their hetero-normative ideals that you can’t automatically assume that someone is straight because his love life is private. It forces you to realize that you can’t assume anything about anyone. Everyone is individual and unique. Don’t assume. Who knows, Dumbledore is a very educated and philosophical man. He may have studied Foucault and just as Foucault refused to identify as gay or queer, Dumbledore realized the limitations of identifying himself and chose to live his life as himself, whomever he chose that to be.

Juno what I wanna do?

I really want to go see Juno. I really absolutely love Michael Cera. His subtle humor is amazing and realistic--I love that he makes the everyday awkwardness of life into something so hilarious.

I really can't wait to see the movie. And then I'll have to go home, curl up, and watch Arrested Development, because that's what I do. I see Michael and then can't get enough of him.

Bored Excitement

So break is shaping up kind of the way I expected. I'm having a great time, but still wondering about Syracuse.
I love being able to see all my Hackettstown friends, going to the places that we used to go to last year--Applebees, Friendly's (not for food, more to just see who was working and hang out), and the Budd Lake Diner. Sadly, I do realize that all these places are FOOD related. I wish there were things to do in this town besides eat out. If we had a good dance club, good thrift stores, a bowling alley, or a non-sketchy arcade, then maybe this place wouldn't feel like such an obesity trap.
But I've found some things to occupy me. I'm constantly trying to clean out my room. Little by little I'm throwing out a LOT of stuff from my room. Papers from high school that I was once convinced that I may need again one day have found their way into the garbage. Clothes that I know I won't wear ever again are sitting in either one of two trash bags--trash or donation. I still need to go through my closet but then I feel like I'll really have moved on from the ghost of the old, high school me, creating more room for the me that I've been developing and loving for the past few months.
I've seen some friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Carbi and I have cruised around Hackettstown, going from Friendly's to her house, to QuickChek wondering what the hell there is to do in this place, waiting hopelessly for our boyfriends to get out of work so that we can goto the diner, watch a movie, or go bowling in a few towns over.
But I miss Syracuse. I miss wandering aimlessly into Ric's ever-open door to crash on his (now roommate occupied) free bed, and watch him play the video game of the moment. I miss knocking on Kelina's door casually suggesting we hop on the bus to actually get decent food with Lara on Main. And, yes, I'll admit that I even miss hearing Brian's loud-as-can-be rants, whether it be about the hopelessness of liberalism, or just about the newest video game that he hasn't beaten just yet. Even more astoundingly, I miss Maxx mumbling stories while I wonder if the kid will ever speak loud enough so I can hear him the first time so that I don't have to obnoxiously say, "What?!? I can't hear you! SPEAK UP please! I'm slightly deaf!" I miss making plans with Kasey to meet on Main Campus to talk about Syracuse and Hackettstown. Weird, right?
I guess that's the weirdest part. I mean having Kasey with me at Syracuse is like having a taste of home with me on campus. She's one of my best friends from high school and I can talk to her about stuff that's going on both at home and at school without constantly reminding her who Carbi, Katie, Hali, Ric, Lara, or Kelina is. She just knows. In many ways, I feel more comfortable having her in Syracuse and in Hackettstown. I'm glad I started out my break with her going to Rutgers.
It gave me a kind of bridge to break. I mean I didn't have to get SUBMERGED into Hackettstown life. We talked about life in both towns. And I was truly happy and ready to see Hali having that buffer zone. Don't get me wrong--I would have been ecstatic to see Hali with or without that buffer zone, but I feel like I would have been awkward around her or anyone else from Hackettstown. I guess I just have trouble adjusting.

So, I thought I'd just interject her and tell you that I'm truly sorry that this post makes absolutely no sense. It really is just random thoughts being typed out as I think them. I've found that my mind doesn't go on very logical tangents, and so my writing, unless focused, goes into weird non-logical tangents.
Anyway, this next week looks like it's going to shape up really well. I'm going to see some great people tonight. Tomorrow's is Emily's birthday and we're going out tonight to celebrate--which reminds me, I have to go shopping. I'm glad she's decided on the night before for her dinner celebration because tomorrow is also Gabe's and my anniversary and we're going out. I always feel as though I always have something with him coinciding with events with them and I feel bad that I don't get to hang out with them that often. Anyway tomorrow's the anniversary and we're trying to figure out what we want to do. We know we're going out to dinner. We want to go to Legal Seafood at the Short Hills Mall, but then he suggested Carmine's. We're not going to Carmine's. I looked at their menu last night (http://www.carminesnyc.com/carmines_44st.htm) and uh, no. We don't have that kind of money. Legal's is expensive...but they don't charge $11 for garlic bread. They don't even charge that for the appetizer of fried calamari!
Theeeennnn, the next day, I go to Philly with Gabe. We're going to his friend's house who's having a New Year's party! It took a little bit of convincing to get my parents to be okay with it but I'm going, and it's going to be a great night!!!

Anyway, I know I was kinda descriptive towards the top and very non-descriptive towards the end, but I'm tired now, and will end this entry here. There will probably be more later.

oh..if I didn't mention this before--I have wireless internet now! which is the only reason I can write this right now!!! Thanks Gabriel!!!!!!

Finals and Holidays

Ah, so Thanksgiving was a nice break from the hustle and bustle of college life. Sometimes you really forget what it's like to live at home. With parents. With rules. With a car. Without your friends right next door. Without wireless internet. Without a roommate. Without cafeteria food. With pets. With a landline telephone. With the need to go out on a Friday night to have a good time.
As you can see, I'm a little split about the whole college experience still. There are so many things that I truly love about it. For the first time in...EVER...I actually feel as though I have more control about my life than, say, my mother. I'm realizing more and more each day how much I've been kept from, and learning more and more about the ways in which I was brought up. There are some common sense rules within my house that just make sense. But there is a degree of control that my parents just refuse to relinquish.
But that doesn't mean that college is completely liberating in all ways. I miss having my car. I chose where to go and when. I'm becoming more and more aware that I choose what I want to do and where I go based around buses. I actually find myself missing out on some aspects of college life just because I am so removed from everything that's going on ON CAMPUS. I need to justify the 10 to 15 minute bus ride to do anything on campus, and find myself choosing to find some alternative in my dorm.
That's not to say that's a bad thing! I have some amazing people living in my dorm. Like I said, we don't really have the NEED to go out on a Friday night in order to have fun. We stay in and create our own. I wonder if I'm limiting myself as far as making friends goes though. If I were to branch out earlier in the year, would I know more people on Main Campus. Would I have more reasons to make the trek by bus more often? Would I get more involved in campuse activities? I don't know, but for now, I'm going to say that staying on South on the weekends is the best choice for me.
Going back for Thanksgiving made me realize just how incredible WiFi is. I take for granted that I'm sitting on the bottom floor of Bird Library with not a single cord coming out of my computer as I type this on-line. This winter is not going to be fun. If I want to go on the Internet, I have to go on my old school desktop and I can't travel around my house freely. Another downside is the fact that my Mac will have no Internet for some time. I mean I COULD hook it up to the Internet. But that means disconnecting that old school desktop and then connecting the Mac, waiting for it to recognize and then connect. I have no mobility with it. I am completely strapped down by cords. And once I'm done, I have to disconnect the Mac, reconnect the desktop and figure out how to reset the connection so that my parents don't bitch at me for daring to use my computer to do anything (like iChat with my friends whom I'm so used to being right down the hall from me).
But once I go into my room. I will be all alone. ALL ALONE. There will be no roommate who's working on some art project that, frankly, doesn't really interest me. I can play my music without feeling bad that she's sitting there doing stuff. My room won't smell like food. ALL lights will go out when I go to sleep. I won't have to answer rhetorical questions like se seriously needed me to justify things. I will be ALONE. NO ONE. MY room will be MY room.
I won't have to talk when I don't want to. I can dance around when I do want to--in my underwear. I can just change my clothes or get ready for a shower without the warning "Don't turn around." It will be peaceful.
Break will be nice for once too. During every other winter break I've had, I've had to deal with homework, papers, and projects to get done. This year there will be none of that. I will be completely done with my first semester of college, for that glorious month, I won't have work to deal with. When I return I will have a completely new schedule. So for once, I feel like I'll really be able to rest without worrying if I'm forgetting to complete some project. I won't actually be procrastinating because there will be nothing to procrastinate!
Speaking of which, that's why I'm writing this. I really should be finishing my CAS essay so I can edit it later (rather, re write the first part and tighten up the second part) and writing my QSX paper. Then I need to study for my Spanish oral interview which is tomorrow. And then somehow, I need to make sure that I get plenty of rest for the presentation tomorrow.
So now that I've shared some of my thoughts on college and going home, I'm going to get back to work.

Thank God for Small Miracles

In the words of myself from a several weeks ago:
"HOLLA!"
I don't understand why it happened, how it happened, or why it was me. All I know is that for some reason an angel guided me to where I had to be.
It's kind of rough to find God in college. I felt His power stronger than I have for months, and I am so thankful.
Let me start with Saturday night:
It all began with a little fun and celebration. But after a while I started feeling ill, and I felt the need to leave. Just minutes later, my friends got into trouble while I stayed in the bathroom, shaking from my heart rate, on the phone with Gabriel.
I felt relieved and guilty at the same time. I wish my friends didn't have to get in trouble, and I feel guilty that I got away with it but at the same time I didn't try to get them in trouble and I wouldn't want them to get in trouble had the situation been reversed.
Then yesterday I finally just told my mom what I was thinking: "STOP." Well, in a way. I told her that it was really none of her business how I choose to act out my faith. Spirituality is NOT defined by how many times per month you go to church or how many people I tell that I'm Catholic. My relationship with God is MY relationship with God. I don't have to answer to anyone about it because I feel good about it.
I'm tired of my mother trying to control every part of my life. Her opinion is worth very little most of the times, and she's just pushing me away by doing this to me. She needs to realize that she's dumb and by being condescending, manipulating, and forceful like she is, she's only infuriating me more. Maybe one day she'll realize that she should have listened to me when I tried to tell her things rather than writing me off as stupid or mean. In her eyes I meant nothing and anytime I would try to tell her to lay off or let me live my own life, she would get mad or "hurt," guilting me in to submission.
She's not going to do that anymore.
She has to realize that she can't just rule my life. She needs to let go. She's needed to let go since I was five. She no longer has any power over me.
I'm going to do what I want. I will go where I want. She will have no say. I don't care that she doesn't trust me (even though she insists that she does). It's time for me to grow up.
It's a miracle that I've finally realized this.

Reality isn't really real anymore

I'm past midterm exams. I've survived, and I feel good about my progress here at school. I'm doing well with all my classes, and am proud to tell my parents what kind of grades I'm earning.
And yet, there's something missing. College is supposed to be be that time when you meet those people that you'll spend the rest of your life with, right? Your TRUE best friends forever. The ones that you'll have inside jokes with for the next four years and on.
I have inside jokes right now with some great people here. But it's not the same. I feel like that after the end of this year, I won't talk to many of the people I do talk to now. I don't know what it is. I just don't know anyone.
And I get the feeling that I don't want to get to know anyone. Everytime I talk to someone they seem to have a very fake persona. We're all a little unsure still. Sure, we're more comfortable here, but there's still a bit of newness, a sense that we need everyone we meet to be our best friends.
I'm also tired of people who are searching for this idea of a perfect realness. I guess I'm guilty of it in a sense, but I don't know. It seems as though some people feel that this one idea that they hold is true reality, so they continuously search for it. In the end, they're stuck with a lot of fakeness. I often find that the search to have a meaningful life is so futile and superficial.
You just have to accept what is going on and not think about what you WANT to be reality.
And right now, the reality that I'm dealing with is loneliness. I feel alienated from the ones that I love. I don't mean family members. I mean MY family. I mean the people that I didn't want to leave. Those were the people with whom I could accept reality for the lack of glitz and glamour because we dealt with the shit we had to go through.

Maybe I'm a girl
Maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand.

I just heard those lyrics and it makes sense. I'm kinda stuck here, not quite sure where I'm supposed to fit in, and not wanting force myself to fit in anywhere.

Hm, emo post much? Whatever. We're all entitled one in awhile