Thank God for Small Miracles

In the words of myself from a several weeks ago:
"HOLLA!"
I don't understand why it happened, how it happened, or why it was me. All I know is that for some reason an angel guided me to where I had to be.
It's kind of rough to find God in college. I felt His power stronger than I have for months, and I am so thankful.
Let me start with Saturday night:
It all began with a little fun and celebration. But after a while I started feeling ill, and I felt the need to leave. Just minutes later, my friends got into trouble while I stayed in the bathroom, shaking from my heart rate, on the phone with Gabriel.
I felt relieved and guilty at the same time. I wish my friends didn't have to get in trouble, and I feel guilty that I got away with it but at the same time I didn't try to get them in trouble and I wouldn't want them to get in trouble had the situation been reversed.
Then yesterday I finally just told my mom what I was thinking: "STOP." Well, in a way. I told her that it was really none of her business how I choose to act out my faith. Spirituality is NOT defined by how many times per month you go to church or how many people I tell that I'm Catholic. My relationship with God is MY relationship with God. I don't have to answer to anyone about it because I feel good about it.
I'm tired of my mother trying to control every part of my life. Her opinion is worth very little most of the times, and she's just pushing me away by doing this to me. She needs to realize that she's dumb and by being condescending, manipulating, and forceful like she is, she's only infuriating me more. Maybe one day she'll realize that she should have listened to me when I tried to tell her things rather than writing me off as stupid or mean. In her eyes I meant nothing and anytime I would try to tell her to lay off or let me live my own life, she would get mad or "hurt," guilting me in to submission.
She's not going to do that anymore.
She has to realize that she can't just rule my life. She needs to let go. She's needed to let go since I was five. She no longer has any power over me.
I'm going to do what I want. I will go where I want. She will have no say. I don't care that she doesn't trust me (even though she insists that she does). It's time for me to grow up.
It's a miracle that I've finally realized this.

Reality isn't really real anymore

I'm past midterm exams. I've survived, and I feel good about my progress here at school. I'm doing well with all my classes, and am proud to tell my parents what kind of grades I'm earning.
And yet, there's something missing. College is supposed to be be that time when you meet those people that you'll spend the rest of your life with, right? Your TRUE best friends forever. The ones that you'll have inside jokes with for the next four years and on.
I have inside jokes right now with some great people here. But it's not the same. I feel like that after the end of this year, I won't talk to many of the people I do talk to now. I don't know what it is. I just don't know anyone.
And I get the feeling that I don't want to get to know anyone. Everytime I talk to someone they seem to have a very fake persona. We're all a little unsure still. Sure, we're more comfortable here, but there's still a bit of newness, a sense that we need everyone we meet to be our best friends.
I'm also tired of people who are searching for this idea of a perfect realness. I guess I'm guilty of it in a sense, but I don't know. It seems as though some people feel that this one idea that they hold is true reality, so they continuously search for it. In the end, they're stuck with a lot of fakeness. I often find that the search to have a meaningful life is so futile and superficial.
You just have to accept what is going on and not think about what you WANT to be reality.
And right now, the reality that I'm dealing with is loneliness. I feel alienated from the ones that I love. I don't mean family members. I mean MY family. I mean the people that I didn't want to leave. Those were the people with whom I could accept reality for the lack of glitz and glamour because we dealt with the shit we had to go through.

Maybe I'm a girl
Maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand.

I just heard those lyrics and it makes sense. I'm kinda stuck here, not quite sure where I'm supposed to fit in, and not wanting force myself to fit in anywhere.

Hm, emo post much? Whatever. We're all entitled one in awhile