Juno what I wanna do?

I really want to go see Juno. I really absolutely love Michael Cera. His subtle humor is amazing and realistic--I love that he makes the everyday awkwardness of life into something so hilarious.

I really can't wait to see the movie. And then I'll have to go home, curl up, and watch Arrested Development, because that's what I do. I see Michael and then can't get enough of him.

Bored Excitement

So break is shaping up kind of the way I expected. I'm having a great time, but still wondering about Syracuse.
I love being able to see all my Hackettstown friends, going to the places that we used to go to last year--Applebees, Friendly's (not for food, more to just see who was working and hang out), and the Budd Lake Diner. Sadly, I do realize that all these places are FOOD related. I wish there were things to do in this town besides eat out. If we had a good dance club, good thrift stores, a bowling alley, or a non-sketchy arcade, then maybe this place wouldn't feel like such an obesity trap.
But I've found some things to occupy me. I'm constantly trying to clean out my room. Little by little I'm throwing out a LOT of stuff from my room. Papers from high school that I was once convinced that I may need again one day have found their way into the garbage. Clothes that I know I won't wear ever again are sitting in either one of two trash bags--trash or donation. I still need to go through my closet but then I feel like I'll really have moved on from the ghost of the old, high school me, creating more room for the me that I've been developing and loving for the past few months.
I've seen some friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Carbi and I have cruised around Hackettstown, going from Friendly's to her house, to QuickChek wondering what the hell there is to do in this place, waiting hopelessly for our boyfriends to get out of work so that we can goto the diner, watch a movie, or go bowling in a few towns over.
But I miss Syracuse. I miss wandering aimlessly into Ric's ever-open door to crash on his (now roommate occupied) free bed, and watch him play the video game of the moment. I miss knocking on Kelina's door casually suggesting we hop on the bus to actually get decent food with Lara on Main. And, yes, I'll admit that I even miss hearing Brian's loud-as-can-be rants, whether it be about the hopelessness of liberalism, or just about the newest video game that he hasn't beaten just yet. Even more astoundingly, I miss Maxx mumbling stories while I wonder if the kid will ever speak loud enough so I can hear him the first time so that I don't have to obnoxiously say, "What?!? I can't hear you! SPEAK UP please! I'm slightly deaf!" I miss making plans with Kasey to meet on Main Campus to talk about Syracuse and Hackettstown. Weird, right?
I guess that's the weirdest part. I mean having Kasey with me at Syracuse is like having a taste of home with me on campus. She's one of my best friends from high school and I can talk to her about stuff that's going on both at home and at school without constantly reminding her who Carbi, Katie, Hali, Ric, Lara, or Kelina is. She just knows. In many ways, I feel more comfortable having her in Syracuse and in Hackettstown. I'm glad I started out my break with her going to Rutgers.
It gave me a kind of bridge to break. I mean I didn't have to get SUBMERGED into Hackettstown life. We talked about life in both towns. And I was truly happy and ready to see Hali having that buffer zone. Don't get me wrong--I would have been ecstatic to see Hali with or without that buffer zone, but I feel like I would have been awkward around her or anyone else from Hackettstown. I guess I just have trouble adjusting.

So, I thought I'd just interject her and tell you that I'm truly sorry that this post makes absolutely no sense. It really is just random thoughts being typed out as I think them. I've found that my mind doesn't go on very logical tangents, and so my writing, unless focused, goes into weird non-logical tangents.
Anyway, this next week looks like it's going to shape up really well. I'm going to see some great people tonight. Tomorrow's is Emily's birthday and we're going out tonight to celebrate--which reminds me, I have to go shopping. I'm glad she's decided on the night before for her dinner celebration because tomorrow is also Gabe's and my anniversary and we're going out. I always feel as though I always have something with him coinciding with events with them and I feel bad that I don't get to hang out with them that often. Anyway tomorrow's the anniversary and we're trying to figure out what we want to do. We know we're going out to dinner. We want to go to Legal Seafood at the Short Hills Mall, but then he suggested Carmine's. We're not going to Carmine's. I looked at their menu last night (http://www.carminesnyc.com/carmines_44st.htm) and uh, no. We don't have that kind of money. Legal's is expensive...but they don't charge $11 for garlic bread. They don't even charge that for the appetizer of fried calamari!
Theeeennnn, the next day, I go to Philly with Gabe. We're going to his friend's house who's having a New Year's party! It took a little bit of convincing to get my parents to be okay with it but I'm going, and it's going to be a great night!!!

Anyway, I know I was kinda descriptive towards the top and very non-descriptive towards the end, but I'm tired now, and will end this entry here. There will probably be more later.

oh..if I didn't mention this before--I have wireless internet now! which is the only reason I can write this right now!!! Thanks Gabriel!!!!!!

Finals and Holidays

Ah, so Thanksgiving was a nice break from the hustle and bustle of college life. Sometimes you really forget what it's like to live at home. With parents. With rules. With a car. Without your friends right next door. Without wireless internet. Without a roommate. Without cafeteria food. With pets. With a landline telephone. With the need to go out on a Friday night to have a good time.
As you can see, I'm a little split about the whole college experience still. There are so many things that I truly love about it. For the first time in...EVER...I actually feel as though I have more control about my life than, say, my mother. I'm realizing more and more each day how much I've been kept from, and learning more and more about the ways in which I was brought up. There are some common sense rules within my house that just make sense. But there is a degree of control that my parents just refuse to relinquish.
But that doesn't mean that college is completely liberating in all ways. I miss having my car. I chose where to go and when. I'm becoming more and more aware that I choose what I want to do and where I go based around buses. I actually find myself missing out on some aspects of college life just because I am so removed from everything that's going on ON CAMPUS. I need to justify the 10 to 15 minute bus ride to do anything on campus, and find myself choosing to find some alternative in my dorm.
That's not to say that's a bad thing! I have some amazing people living in my dorm. Like I said, we don't really have the NEED to go out on a Friday night in order to have fun. We stay in and create our own. I wonder if I'm limiting myself as far as making friends goes though. If I were to branch out earlier in the year, would I know more people on Main Campus. Would I have more reasons to make the trek by bus more often? Would I get more involved in campuse activities? I don't know, but for now, I'm going to say that staying on South on the weekends is the best choice for me.
Going back for Thanksgiving made me realize just how incredible WiFi is. I take for granted that I'm sitting on the bottom floor of Bird Library with not a single cord coming out of my computer as I type this on-line. This winter is not going to be fun. If I want to go on the Internet, I have to go on my old school desktop and I can't travel around my house freely. Another downside is the fact that my Mac will have no Internet for some time. I mean I COULD hook it up to the Internet. But that means disconnecting that old school desktop and then connecting the Mac, waiting for it to recognize and then connect. I have no mobility with it. I am completely strapped down by cords. And once I'm done, I have to disconnect the Mac, reconnect the desktop and figure out how to reset the connection so that my parents don't bitch at me for daring to use my computer to do anything (like iChat with my friends whom I'm so used to being right down the hall from me).
But once I go into my room. I will be all alone. ALL ALONE. There will be no roommate who's working on some art project that, frankly, doesn't really interest me. I can play my music without feeling bad that she's sitting there doing stuff. My room won't smell like food. ALL lights will go out when I go to sleep. I won't have to answer rhetorical questions like se seriously needed me to justify things. I will be ALONE. NO ONE. MY room will be MY room.
I won't have to talk when I don't want to. I can dance around when I do want to--in my underwear. I can just change my clothes or get ready for a shower without the warning "Don't turn around." It will be peaceful.
Break will be nice for once too. During every other winter break I've had, I've had to deal with homework, papers, and projects to get done. This year there will be none of that. I will be completely done with my first semester of college, for that glorious month, I won't have work to deal with. When I return I will have a completely new schedule. So for once, I feel like I'll really be able to rest without worrying if I'm forgetting to complete some project. I won't actually be procrastinating because there will be nothing to procrastinate!
Speaking of which, that's why I'm writing this. I really should be finishing my CAS essay so I can edit it later (rather, re write the first part and tighten up the second part) and writing my QSX paper. Then I need to study for my Spanish oral interview which is tomorrow. And then somehow, I need to make sure that I get plenty of rest for the presentation tomorrow.
So now that I've shared some of my thoughts on college and going home, I'm going to get back to work.

Thank God for Small Miracles

In the words of myself from a several weeks ago:
"HOLLA!"
I don't understand why it happened, how it happened, or why it was me. All I know is that for some reason an angel guided me to where I had to be.
It's kind of rough to find God in college. I felt His power stronger than I have for months, and I am so thankful.
Let me start with Saturday night:
It all began with a little fun and celebration. But after a while I started feeling ill, and I felt the need to leave. Just minutes later, my friends got into trouble while I stayed in the bathroom, shaking from my heart rate, on the phone with Gabriel.
I felt relieved and guilty at the same time. I wish my friends didn't have to get in trouble, and I feel guilty that I got away with it but at the same time I didn't try to get them in trouble and I wouldn't want them to get in trouble had the situation been reversed.
Then yesterday I finally just told my mom what I was thinking: "STOP." Well, in a way. I told her that it was really none of her business how I choose to act out my faith. Spirituality is NOT defined by how many times per month you go to church or how many people I tell that I'm Catholic. My relationship with God is MY relationship with God. I don't have to answer to anyone about it because I feel good about it.
I'm tired of my mother trying to control every part of my life. Her opinion is worth very little most of the times, and she's just pushing me away by doing this to me. She needs to realize that she's dumb and by being condescending, manipulating, and forceful like she is, she's only infuriating me more. Maybe one day she'll realize that she should have listened to me when I tried to tell her things rather than writing me off as stupid or mean. In her eyes I meant nothing and anytime I would try to tell her to lay off or let me live my own life, she would get mad or "hurt," guilting me in to submission.
She's not going to do that anymore.
She has to realize that she can't just rule my life. She needs to let go. She's needed to let go since I was five. She no longer has any power over me.
I'm going to do what I want. I will go where I want. She will have no say. I don't care that she doesn't trust me (even though she insists that she does). It's time for me to grow up.
It's a miracle that I've finally realized this.

Reality isn't really real anymore

I'm past midterm exams. I've survived, and I feel good about my progress here at school. I'm doing well with all my classes, and am proud to tell my parents what kind of grades I'm earning.
And yet, there's something missing. College is supposed to be be that time when you meet those people that you'll spend the rest of your life with, right? Your TRUE best friends forever. The ones that you'll have inside jokes with for the next four years and on.
I have inside jokes right now with some great people here. But it's not the same. I feel like that after the end of this year, I won't talk to many of the people I do talk to now. I don't know what it is. I just don't know anyone.
And I get the feeling that I don't want to get to know anyone. Everytime I talk to someone they seem to have a very fake persona. We're all a little unsure still. Sure, we're more comfortable here, but there's still a bit of newness, a sense that we need everyone we meet to be our best friends.
I'm also tired of people who are searching for this idea of a perfect realness. I guess I'm guilty of it in a sense, but I don't know. It seems as though some people feel that this one idea that they hold is true reality, so they continuously search for it. In the end, they're stuck with a lot of fakeness. I often find that the search to have a meaningful life is so futile and superficial.
You just have to accept what is going on and not think about what you WANT to be reality.
And right now, the reality that I'm dealing with is loneliness. I feel alienated from the ones that I love. I don't mean family members. I mean MY family. I mean the people that I didn't want to leave. Those were the people with whom I could accept reality for the lack of glitz and glamour because we dealt with the shit we had to go through.

Maybe I'm a girl
Maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand.

I just heard those lyrics and it makes sense. I'm kinda stuck here, not quite sure where I'm supposed to fit in, and not wanting force myself to fit in anywhere.

Hm, emo post much? Whatever. We're all entitled one in awhile

Growing Old

Syracuse life continues, and it's starting to get a little old. I want to go home to catch up with all my friends. I miss being able to see them all the time and wish that I could still hang out with them every weekend.
Yesterday was Katie's birthday. It was the most important event that I've missed so far, and I hate it. I would have baked her brownies or a cake and made her a card (I did do that actually, but it's still sitting on my desk,waiting for a stamp). I would have taken her out for lunch. I wasn't able to do that. I almost feel as though I was a bad friend. I know she didn't expect me to be there, but still it would have been nice if I had gotten to see her.
However, I am quite happy that that is the biggest thing that I've missed from home so far. A new friend of mine heard some disturbing news from home last night.
She had gotten several text messages from her friends imploring her to call right away last night. When she did, she found out that a close friend had taken his life.
She can't go back home for the funeral or the wake. She isn't surrounded by her close friends that she's known for years and years, rather ones that she has known for maybe two months. She doesn't have her family, her own room, or that support group that she needs right now.
I don't know how I'm supposed to act. I want to let her know that I'm here for her, but again, we don't know eachother that well yet and I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.

I'm really looking forward to getting to go home for a little bit come November. I really miss Gabriel, and it'll be so nice to be able to spend a lot of time with him. I also really can't wait to have my own room to sleep in for once. The whole having a roommate experience is starting to get old. I just want to be able to go to my room to be left alone. I used to go to my room for privacy. Here, I never get any sort of privacy. NEVER. I feel like I'm never alone. I hate it. I need people to leave me alone. When I don't want to talk about something, just leave me alone. Don't try to get me to talk about it. It's just not a good idea.

It'll be nice to go home and get a really good hug from Gabriel, Katie, or Leah. I'm kinda growing old of being around people that I barely know.

I'm doing well in my classes. Yay!! This comes as such a relief. I don't know, at times I feel like I'm in way over my head and that I'm fooling myself if I think that I can make it through this. However, I think it's becoming clearer and clearer that it's an issue of being confident enough. I'm starting to realize I can do things and find myself not worrying so much about little things.
I'm growing up. I'm getting to stand on my own two feet a little bit. I'm still stumbling a little bit, but I'm getting the hang of things--I'm starting to realize that it's easier to walk, and run, than I thought it had been.
Eventually, I'll fly.

How Old Am I?

Lately I've found myself wondering. How old are you? What the hell were you thinking?
My physical age has absolutely nothing to do with my mental maturity--but I'm not quite sure if I'm older or younger.
People always get the impression that I'm older. I've always acted in a very sophisticated manner. I relate better with people older than me (just take a look at my 22-year-old boyfriend and the fact that I totally LOVE my brother's 22-year-old best friend), and then there are times I wish I'd just grow up.
Today was one of those days.
A bunch of us from my floor were headed down to Main Campus with one purpose in mind--catching the bus to go apple picking. Yes, apple picking. The last time I went apple picking was...oh, let's see, first grade. But while we sat on the bus happily chatting away, I realized more and more how childish I am.
I packed a lunch for myself. I got a bagel from Goldstein, grabbed my peanut butter and jelly from my food stocks and put them in a Ziploc bag labeled CAROLYN. I feel like I should have handed it to someone when I got to the bus just how teachers used to collect everyone's lunch for field trips, but it just stayed in my bag.
Then,for some reason that I can't recall, I was able to direct the conversation to Build-A-Bear Workshop. Yes, that is truly the sign of a sophisticated collegiate young adult...right? I took it a step further. Everyone agreed that BABW is a fun place (my excitement did seem to outweigh most people's though), and then I pulled out my Stuff Fur Stuff Card (yes, I have one) and explained that for every $100 I spend at the store, I would get rewarded. Not a credit card--that would seem rather adult--just a reward system.
Then I became the malicious part of the younger mentality. I let things that people said, did, and thought get to me. I started judging, and critically.
In all fairness, this was a split for me. I find myself mature in that I've become so very comfortable with myself. I don't have to try to be someone anymore. I just don't like fake people, so I don't let myself be fake around people. I think that takes a lot of personal work and maturity, something that I'm so happy, so very happy I've been able to develop recently. So in a way, I know that there are going to be a lot of people my age around me that haven't found that within themselves just yet, and they're still struggling with self-esteem issues.
But I feel petty and so immature when I decide to voice my complaints to those people around me. I need an outlet, but sometimes I wish I could be a little less critical. I'm so quick to judge (even if those judgments don't keep me from getting to know you), and willing to voice those observations.
Whatever, I never said that I'm perfect; I just know who I am and not willing to pretend to be something else for someone else's approval. When it comes down to it, you have to spend the rest of your life with yourself. So why worry about the others?
I hate my room here. For some reason it doesn't feel like home in my room. I feel like it's a room where all my stuff is--not my room. It's a hotel. On my way to home. I think it's completely lacking a Gabriel element.
It's tough, entering college while in a relationship. You miss that person so completely and thoroughly that you're ready to give up school because being with that person is so much better. But you like school, and obviously you're not going to do that. So you try to make the best of it by making awesome friends, but you're bonding time is often cut short by phone time with that person who's always on your mind, the one whom you text the most, shows up the most on your call list.
Here's the choice: Talk to that person for several glorious hours and miss out on some serious bonding or tell them you'll call them back?
It's a tough one. Usually my Gabriel wins out, because no offense to anyone in Syracuse, you just can't beat my angel. When you're in a relationship like mine, you want nothing more than to hear his voice. Telling you that it'll be okay and that you are, in fact, on his mind all the time.
I also miss those friends that I love so well. I still miss the fact that Katie and I could finish each other's sentences. Or the fact that Felicia appreciates my ability to recall very specific details of every single episode in The O.C.
I don't have those people here in New York yet. Well, I'll never find another Katherine Mary. And I'm sure that people would be scared to see another Felicia Fay walk the earth (of course, she'd be doing the raptor walk in a completely high fashion out of control outfit that only she could pull off and make hott). <<<<Maybe, just maybe, I'm getting homesick?
I thought I didn't get homesick.
I get people sick though. I want my people so badly.

The Geek Within Me.

Life continues on, and I feel like I'm settling into a normal setting again. I don't know why I'm like this, but I'm always looking for new people to meet. I feel like there's always one person more I can connect with. That the next person I met, I will know forever. That next person will be my TRUE BFF (how corny!). A guy on my floor was actually talking about it last night while a few of us walked around campus, doing various "chill" things (i.e. The Dome Stomp). He said that he's looking for that core group of friends that he will continuously hang out with for our four years here and for most of our lives. That's what I'm looking for too. But somehow I keep meeting weirdos. I also need to start talking to new people more. But, I'm always too shy to actually talk to someone. What will that person say if I randomly walk up to him or her? What will he or she think? How will he react? Will that person think I'm some creeper? It's likely, so I always chicken out. Ugh. Not cool. So I've set myself a goal. By next weekend, I will have talked to three new people. I don't necessarily have to become good friends with that person--I just have to spark a conversation with him or her. Last night I talked to someone new (meaning I'm still looking for two more people), and he was really chill. We commiserated about the terrible busing system we know and love as CENTRO. Finally, after being quite fed up with waiting at College Place for a non-existent bus, a small group of us (including him) decided that it was a nice enough night to walk. And that's just what we did.
I'm really fed up with Centro in general actually. It's always late or early throwing you into confusion about the schedule and getting to class. And then sometimes it's just socially awkward. The other day I sat down next to some girl. I don't know her; never have I seen her in my life. Soon though, I realize that this girl is VERY upset, and she's crying. Here's my instinct: give her a hug and tell her that it'll be okay and that I hope she feels better. This is just how I was raised--try to brighten someone's day. But that's just weird; that's so sketchy. So I sat there awkwardly, trying hard not to acknowledge that she was so upset, but at the same time, trying to give her kind looks that might tell her, "I'm sorry you're having a crappy day. I hope your day gets better." I think I just came off as dumb.
So I got bold the other day in QSX class today. actually spoke a few times! And it wasn't just clarifying definitions, the way it usually is. I was actually sharing my thoughts, my interpretations. It felt rather good. I was thinking about why I don't talk that much in that class, and this is what I came up with:
I have ideas and opinions about the topics that we're discussing, but I'm not sure how to verbalize these ideas because they are kind of abstract, and more often than not, I can't express them without sounding very idealistic and dumb. Also, when I'm trying to figure out how to say what I want to say, I get worried that I might say something wrong or my word choice will offend that people around me.
I was weird though because I had the most concrete ideas about the most abstract idea that we've discussed so far.

So, I've figured out another thing that I miss since being in college: reading for pleasure. It's terrible that I don't read as much anymore. I remember when I wanted nothing more than a Saturday afternoon spent in the library or Barnes and Noble. This is something that sort of deteriorated when I was in high school because I was so busy, I had to choose between reading and a social life. I chose a social life (sometimes I think I chose wrongly). However, I did read a little bit in high school just for pleasure. Now that I'm in college, there's really absolutely NO time for it. I can't wait to curl up with a good book over breaks. I like being able to escape into other worlds--whether they're truly fantastical or a little more realistic.
Sometimes i wonder if Harry Potter actually ruined reading for me. J.K. Rowling has been credited with getting youth to read with her magical series, but sometimes I wonder if she had the opposite effect on me. Once I got interested in the Harry Potter series, I really got into it. At one point, I wasn't reading anything else. It didn't matter that there were only four books out at the time-- I would just read and reread them, counting down the days until the next installment. When I read other books, I was unimpressed and disappointed. I did read other books but with that same vigor that I once had. So I have another goal. This is going to be difficult because of time constraints, but I aim to read three non school books by the end of the year. Then from there, I'll set another book reading goal. I'm going to train myself to get back into reading.
I'm going to start with The Princess Bride. I started it this past summer, but I never got to finish it. So I'm going to restart. From there, who knows, I'd like to give One the Road another chance even though I didn't like it.
Yes, I realize I sound like a complete and total loser. But I like to think of it as the take back of my personality. I'm trying to reclaim the geek within me.

The First Few Weeks in Syracuse

So this is college? Hm, I suppose this is okay. I can get used to it.
I really love the people that I've met. The first week or two we were all very tight and did absolutely EVERYTHING together. It was nice to click with the people on the floor so quickly because it helped get rid of that awkward standard "nice to meet you" phase where you feel as though you're constantly saying "Hi, my name is ____. I'm from ____. I plan on studying ____." Soon it had felt as though we had known eachother for a long time and had just somehow planned to live on the same floor together.
Things have calmed down a bit since then. We're still getting along really well, but I think people are getting more into their routines--it was bound to happen eventually. A week or so before mid-term exams and we're finally settling down! We still love eachother for the most part, but the honeymoon feeling has gone.
I think I kinda like it in a sense. We know eachother a little bit better and are just more comfortable with people.
There are some things about college that I can't stand--like that nagging feeling of incompetence that is bound to hit anyone at 2:30 A.M. as he or she tries desperately to grasp for meaning in convoluted articles so that his or her professor actually thinks that he or she understood what the hell they had to read.
That was me last night. I had been trying to read the articles for my QSX analytical essay (due today) for over a week now. But every time the meaning of the articles got lost in translation as I constantly looked up obscure terms that I had never heard of in my life.
Last night I felt unprepared. I felt as though I had failed myself. I thought I had tricked myself into thinking that I could handle Syracuse, that I could handle college. I wanted to give up. I wanted to go home. I wanted be anywhere but in front of my computer staring at the blinking cursor that mocked me as I struggled.
But then I got to talk to a certain boy that always cheers me up. Maybe people don't understand why I talk to my boyfriend "all the time." He's that one constant in my life. When I talk to him, I know that everything is going to be alright because in that moment I can hear his voice, listen to his thoughts, and be completely and totally focused on him. I feel refreshed.
Anyway, I won't get too gushy right now. Haha.
This morning I realized another thing about college today:
As I was walking through the Quad this morning, I saw many faces. Faces that I thought I knew. Faces that I wanted to stop and talk to. It seems that there's always someone where I am that reminds me of someone from high school. This morning I saw a HHS junior that I had never talked to but saw everyday. Yesterday I saw Kyle getting a sandwich at Goldstein. At least I could text him and tell him that I had gotten the urge to scream "KyKy!" I find myself forgetting the real from the imagined when I see people on campus. I'm not sure if I actually know someone, or someone just reminded me of someone that I had known.
Then there are those people that are irreplaceable in my heart. I have not seen a single Gabe. There have been no Katies. Not a single Leah. And certainly no Felicias. I always wonder what they're up to and wonder what we'd be doing if we were hanging out. I wonder if they know I miss them a bunch.Well, let me tell you, I'd probably watching AD with Katie, or The OC with Felicia. No one here really understands my deep passions for these two shows. And if I were with hanging with Leah, we'd probably be singing and dancing around. Possibly in underwear. Probably to nineties music. Definitely laughing. And if I were with Gabe....if I were with Gabriel right now, all I know is that I would be deliriously happy. That tends to happen a lot.

So to sum it all up, I love college. I love my friends and loved ones from home. I bleed the Orange, but deep down, some of that Orange, I know, is actually from being a Hackettstown Tiger.


carolyn.